Has Your Relationship Become Emotionally Draining?

Do you fear that your dream of being lifelong lovers and best friends is impossible because you chose the wrong person?  

Are you plagued by the belief that maybe you and your partner are not as compatible as you originally thought?

Do you long to be understood but fear that you, or your partner are about to walk out the door?

I’m guessing this is not what you envisioned for your relationship when you first got together.  You probably chose your partner because you thought they would enhance your life in some way, you were better together than apart.  Now you might be wondering if you made a mistake.

Two options available:

Relationship Problems Are Exhausting!

You might have explosive arguments that escalate quickly and leave you feeling attacked and misunderstood. Perhaps you find yourself in the middle of fights wondering, “How did we end up here again?”

Alternatively, you might feel a lonely void in your relationship because you barely communicate at all. Maybe you find yourself “walking on eggshells,” avoiding talking to each other because it will only end up in a fight. Or, perhaps you don’t talk because you just don’t seem to have anything to talk about. Maybe you lost your emotional connection long ago and your partner seems cold and distant.

Perhaps you find yourself wondering how you ended up married to someone with whom you have so little in common. You might wonder if your partner even notices how unhappy you are as they carry on seemingly content while you feel hurt and neglected.

Maybe you feel like your needs are overlooked and your efforts are taken for granted. Or, perhaps you feel like you have tried everything you can think of to make your spouse happy and yet you feel like it is never enough and you can never meet their expectations.

Or, maybe your sex life is just not all that great, or perhaps it is nonexistent, and you find yourself thinking, “Shouldn’t we at least be able to have a satisfying sex life?”  All of these scenarios can be exhausting and perhaps you feel desperate because you see no end to the tension, no solutions to the problems.

There is hope!  Marriage counselling can  help you  gain the skills you need to set your relationship on a new path of growth and fulfillment.  I can assist you in transforming your relationship from one that causes pain to one where you give each other pleasure and strive for a common purpose.

Every Couple Faces Challenges

Relationships tend to develop through typical stages.  Most couples will experience an initial euphoric stage, often called the romance or honeymoon stage.  During this phase, couples are focused on identifying similarities and areas of compatibility. Everything is new and exciting and endorphins are released, helping the couple to form a strong bond.  

As the novelty wears off, all couples enter a new stage where each person's differences become more evident.  During this phase it is natural for more conflict to arise, and many couples get stuck.  Why?  Because conflict is tricky to navigate.   People tend to either avoid conflict or attack it head on, and both of these approaches result in further build up of tension and hurt feelings.  In order to progress through this stage, couples must learn skills to tolerate the tension produced by their differences. This can require a lot of work, and when people get stuck they can bring out the worst in each other.  

The good news is, marriage counselling can help couples develop the skills they need to manage their differences, resolve conflicts and progress through the subsequent stages of couple development. Moving through these later stages results in a more intimate, secure, and emotionally connected relationship, while also contributing to a stronger personal identity for each partner.  As a couple expands their ability to be vulnerable with each other and develops their ability to use their challenges as opportunities for growth, the potential is unending. 

If your relationship has become an additional source of stress, rather than a source of support, then marriage counselling can help.  I can help you develop shared goals that can lead to a loving, intimate relationship where you support each other in being your best selves.

With Marriage Counselling, A Loving and Fulfilling Marriage is Possible!  

As a psychologist trained in couples counselling, I can help you attain the relationship you desire.  I recognize that every couple has existing strengths.  I start by identifying these strengths so we can use them as building blocks to greater resilience. I also work hard to cultivate a warm, safe environment where each of you can express vulnerable thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement, so you can develop greater emotional closeness and security.

Working with me during couples counselling can help you gain the skills that will strengthen your relationship throughout your lifetime together. 

Establishing Relevant Goals

I can assist you in establishing goals that will transform your relationship from one that is draining to one where you support each other in striving for a common purpose.  Imagine a relationship where you feel understood and accepted by your partner.  Imagine a relationship where, despite your differences, you can have open, honest, respectful communication while feeling assured of your partner’s love and acceptance.  Imagine a relationship where you feel confident in who you are as a person, while knowing that your partner supports you in your hopes and dreams.  You can have a relationship where you feel safe to be your true self while enjoying loving affection, deep intimacy, and a satisfying sex life.

Proven Approaches

I only implement evidence-based approaches, that is, methods that are backed by scientific research. My primary approach is The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy (Bader-Pearson Model). This approach looks at the style of relating to others each person learned growing up, along with each person’s ability to manage the anxiety inherent in an intimate relationship. In light of finding from current research in brain science, this information is then used to help each person adapt their way of relating in such a way as to promote growth both in the individual and the couple relationship. I also have level one training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, a method based on 40 years of research on what makes marriages work. In addition, I integrate strategies from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), approaches which also consider the impact of early family experiences and recent findings in brain science.

I will use my knowledge and training to help you adopt a new vision for your marriage, one that will allow you to create the relationship you long for.  Throughout our work together I will help facilitate more effective communication, helping you to clarify your understanding of each other so you can better stand in each others’ shoes.  I will also teach you more effective ways of interacting that will allow you to create a safe space for expressing vulnerable thoughts and feeling to each other. 

Why Work With Me?

I view challenges as opportunities for growth. 

My goal is not to eliminate all the tension in your relationship.  Rather, I strive to help you view your problems in a different light.  I want you to learn strategies to better support each other through difficult times so you can encourage each other to become the best versions of yourselves. 

Through couples or marriage therapy, I will not only help you discover why you are having difficulties, but also assist you in finding concrete solutions.

In order to build a lasting relationship you need to  strive to take your relationship to new levels. I will help you develop techniques, not just for solving current problems, but for continually propelling your relationship into one with unending potential for growth.

Personal Experience

I am in a loving, fulfilling, marriage and the knowledge and experience I have gained in my own relationship will help me understand your problems and model the skills I know are important for a lasting and happy marriage.

I have 15 years experience providing marriage counselling.  In our work together I will strive to help you develop a joy-filled, fulfilling marriage that lasts a lifetime. 

It takes a lot of courage to come share your deepest struggles with someone you don’t know, and you may have some concerns.  

Common Concerns

Our last counsellor sided with my partner!

Many couples I have met with told me that they had already been to counselling and felt their counsellor sided with one partner leaving the other feeling ganged up on.  My motto is, “The couple is the client.” Couples counselling is not a venue for determining who is at fault for problems in the relationship.  I work hard to encourage each person to  take personal responsibility and make choices that improve their interactions and create a supportive environment for each other.  

What if my partner is reluctant to go to couples counselling?  

I believe each person should have a chance to address any concerns they have about marriage counselling before they commit to the process.  I am happy to have a conversation with both you and your partner and will do my best to address each of your concerns and make recommendations that will fit your unique situation.  Relationship counselling that involves both partners is most effective.  However, if your partner decides they are not open to counselling, we can discuss what we can do to support your relationship through individual counselling. 

Create the Relationship You Long For!

If you think that your marriage could use a little help – or even a lot of help – I invite you to give me a call.  I offer a free, no obligation, 20 minute phone consultation.  We can discuss your unique situation and together decide how I can best support you in attaining the relationship of your dreams.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Jean MacKenzie, R. Psych. Edmonton, Alberta

By Phone: 587-853-0558

RELEVANT BLOG POSTs